YOU CANNOT CHOOSE HOW OTHERS TREAT YOU, BUT YOU CAN CHOOSE WHO YOU BECOME
Sometimes, we spend a great deal of time wondering why other people treat us the way they do. We dwell on someone's hurtful words or remain troubled by an injustice for days. We ask ourselves, “What did I ever do to them?” Yet we do not always stop to consider the mark our own words leave on others. In our relationships, we need to take account not only of how people treat us, but also of how we treat them.
One day, a father went hiking with his young son in a mountainous region. As they made their way along a narrow, rocky trail, the boy slipped and fell. The pain made him cry out involuntarily:
“Ouch!”
A few seconds later, the same sound came back from the mountains:
“Ouch!”
The boy was startled. He looked around but could not see anyone. This time, he called out toward the mountains:
“Who are you?”
The same question came back:
“Who are you?”
The boy grew annoyed.
“You're stupid!” he shouted.
From the mountains came the same words:
“You're stupid!”
Angrily, the boy turned to his father.
“Dad, there's someone over there! Why is he making fun of me?”
His father smiled. Then he turned toward the mountains and shouted loudly, “You are a wonderful person!”
The same words came back. Then he called out, “Thank you!”
Those words echoed, too.
As the boy tried to make sense of what had happened, his father placed a hand on his shoulder.
“What you're hearing is called an echo,” he explained. “Your voice hits the mountains and comes back to you. You may encounter similar situations in life. The way you treat people affects the relationships you build with them. If you constantly shout at others, they may distance themselves from you. If you listen to them and try to understand them, you may build trust.”
He paused for a moment before adding:
“But remember, son, life doesn't always work this way. You may treat someone kindly, and they may still treat you badly. What's important is that you don't let the kind of person someone else is determine the kind of person you choose to be.”
What makes this story meaningful to me is not so much the answers coming back from the mountains as the lesson the father is trying to teach his son. In everyday life, most of us pay far less attention to the impact of our own words than to the impact of other people's words on us.
Think about it. A hurtful remark we make to a family member before leaving home in the morning may stay with them throughout the day. Someone we dismiss or speak down to at work or during a meeting may decide never to share their thoughts with us again. On the other hand, acknowledging an effort that nobody else has noticed or genuinely listening to someone who is struggling may help that person feel better about themselves. These are not grand gestures. Often, they take only a few minutes. Yet they can make a real difference in our relationships.
Throughout my academic career, I had countless opportunities to interact with students, faculty members, and people carrying different responsibilities. As the years passed, I came to understand something more clearly:
“People may not remember everything said to them, but certain words are not easily forgotten. Words spoken when someone feels inadequate, worthless, or alone can remain in their memory for a long time. Dismissing a student's question may make them reluctant to ask another. By contrast, listening to them even when their answer is incorrect and giving them an opportunity to explain their thinking can help them develop confidence in themselves.”
We see this not only in educational settings but also in our families, friendships, and everyday interactions. When we disagree with someone, trying to understand what they mean instead of immediately blaming them can change the course of a discussion. If we stop treating every criticism as an attack and every differing opinion as a threat, we create more room to listen to one another.
Of course, we cannot say that kindness will always be rewarded. Most of us have experienced situations in which our sincere intentions were misunderstood or someone we helped responded in a way we never expected. Sometimes, we are treated unfairly even when we are in the right. At such moments, we may find ourselves asking, “Why is this happening to me when I have tried so hard to be considerate?”
I believe an important distinction needs to be made here:
“We are not responsible for other people's behavior, but we are responsible for our own. Someone's rudeness does not require us to be rude in return. When we suffer an injustice, we do not have to remain silent, but neither do we have to humiliate the other person while defending our rights. Courtesy does not mean submitting to everything. Sometimes we must object openly, set boundaries, or end a relationship when necessary. We can do all these things without abandoning our values.”
Over the years, I have noticed something else as well:
“People are often reluctant to recognize in themselves the very traits they want to change in others. We encounter people who expect everyone to listen to them but never listen in return, who demand respect but cannot tolerate differing opinions. It is easier to assume that the other person is always the one who needs to change. Yet an honest question directed at ourselves can sometimes be more useful than a lengthy argument: Could I be doing the same thing?
Asking this question does not mean blaming ourselves. On the contrary, it helps us recognize what we can change. We cannot control other people's thoughts, decisions, or behavior. But we can choose our words, pause when we are angry, and apologize when we make a mistake. These choices may seem small, but they can genuinely influence the course of our relationships.
Perhaps this is where the echo of life truly begins. Not every kindness is returned, and not everyone who does harm immediately faces the consequences. The world is not a perfect system in which justice operates automatically. Yet one fact remains unchanged: our behavior affects the people around us. How we treat someone today may be one of the factors that shape our relationship with them tomorrow.
For this reason, I now try to pay attention not only to how people treat me but also to how I treat them. I cannot claim that I always get it right. People grow tired, lose patience, and sometimes say things they later wish they had never said. What matters is being honest with ourselves when we recognize these mistakes and, whenever possible, trying to make things right.
In the end, we are all passing through this world. Sometimes we make another person's life a little easier; at other times, we make their burden heavier without even realizing it. Our task is not to make everyone like us or to expect something in return for every good deed. It is to try not to add unnecessary hurt to other people's lives, to offer support when it is needed, and to remain measured even when we disagree with someone.
Because we cannot always determine how others will treat us. But we still have a say in how we treat them.
Perhaps that is one of the most important things we can change in ourselves.