EVERYONE HAS SOMETHING TO SAY
You cannot control what people think about you. In fact, that may be one of the most exhausting things about life. No matter what you do, someone will always have something to say.
Dress well, and they may say you are showing off. Dress simply, and they may assume you cannot afford better clothes. Succeed, and some will call you arrogant. Fail, and they may call you lazy. Gain weight, and people talk about how much you eat. Lose weight, and suddenly they wonder whether you are sick.
After a while, you begin to understand something:
The problem is not always what you are doing. People often judge others according to their own standards, prejudices, and ideas about how life should be lived.
I have seen this many times over the years. I spent my career in academia, working with students and colleagues, serving in administrative positions, and writing. Again and again, I saw the same person described in completely different ways.
Someone who is a very good person in one person's eyes may seem too serious to another. One person calls you honest; another calls you harsh. Someone sees humility where another sees shyness.
So which one is right?
Perhaps there is a little truth in all of them. But none of them tells the whole story.
Because we are much more than the person other people think they see.
I believe that, at a certain age, we need to ask ourselves a more important question:
“How do I really want to live?”
Not, What will people say?
Not, What will the neighbors think?
Not, How will my relatives interpret this?
And certainly not, Will people on social media approve of me?
When you begin living according to other people's expectations, you can slowly become a stranger to your own life. One day you may look back and realize that many of your decisions were made not because they were what you wanted, but because you were worried about what other people would say.
Of course, that does not mean we should dismiss every criticism. Sometimes another person's words help us see a flaw in ourselves that we could not see on our own.
A thoughtful person does not automatically reject criticism. He listens. He thinks about it. If there is truth in it, he makes a change. If there isn't, he moves on without feeling the need to argue with everyone.
I think that is the real challenge: not taking every criticism seriously, but not rejecting every criticism blindly either.
Perhaps that is part of growing older.
There is something else I have learned with age:
You do not have to correct every misunderstanding. You do not have to explain yourself to everyone. And you do not have to convince everyone who does not like you.
Some people will see you exactly as they want to see you, no matter what you do.
There is an old story that illustrates this beautifully.
An old man and his young son were traveling with a donkey. For a while, the old man rode the donkey while his son walked beside him.
Someone passing by looked at them and said:
“Look at that! The old man is riding while the poor child has to walk.”
The old man heard this and switched places with his son.
A little farther down the road, someone else said:
“Look at that boy! He is riding while his elderly father has to walk.”
So the two of them climbed onto the donkey together.
Before long, another passerby called out:
“Two people riding that poor animal at once? Have you no compassion for the donkey?”
Finally, they both got off and walked beside the donkey.
Then someone behind them shouted:
“They have a donkey and still they are walking! What foolish people!”
The old man looked at his son and smiled.
Whatever they did, someone had something to say.
The story is simple, but it is as true as life itself. Once you start taking everyone's opinion into account, you eventually lose sight of what you should do. One decision made to please one person becomes a reason for someone else to criticize you. Change your behavior to satisfy someone else, and someone will still find fault with it.
At some point, the life you are living no longer feels like your own.
I think that, as we get older, we need to learn to explain ourselves a little less and defend ourselves a little less. We do not have to answer every comment. We do not have to correct every misunderstanding.
Because if you spend your life worrying about what other people are going to say, eventually you may have trouble hearing your own voice.
Life is too short for that.
And it is far too valuable to spend trying to manage other people's opinions of you.
Let them talk.
You know better than anyone what you are doing, why you are doing it, and what kind of person you want to be.
In the end, everyone may have something to say about your life.
But deciding how that life will be lived is not their responsibility. It is yours.